As I lie here trying to sleep, I remember again, that my phone doesn’t ring.
I remember it’s silence, your silence.  I imagine all the things you would say, could say.  I imagine the lilt in your words, the laughter on your tongue.

As I lie here trying to sleep, I remember again, that my phone didn’t ring.
I remember it’s silence, echoing inside my head, adding to the noise I couldn’t turn off.  I imagine it ringing and startling me back to reality, back to sanity.

As I lie here trying to sleep, I imagine me calling, the phone ringing.  Ringing and running along the wires to you.

As I lie here trying to sleep, I remember when I called.  I remember what you said, and I remember how it hurt.  I remember burying it, ignoring it, not saying it.

As I lie here trying to sleep, your words echo in my head, adding to the noise I can’t turn off.  My screams, adding to the noise that I can’t turn off.

One sided relationships you said.  Won’t put up with them, you said.
As I lie here trying to sleep, I remember again, that my phone doesn’t ring.

As I lie here trying to sleep, I imagine saying things to to you.  I imagine the crackle in my throat, the lilt of my words, the pain on my tongue.
Funny how being busy works when it’s you, but not when it’s me.
Funny how last year when I was busy literally forcing myself to breathe every day, my phone didn’t ring.

Last year, when I drove to a bridge and got angry ’cause I knew the foot thick concrete walls were too strong.
Last year, when I paced that bridge with the tires of my car, wishing I didn’t want to fly.
Listening to the rubber whine and spin.
Last year when my husband told me I sat on the floor, half dressed, and cried because I couldn’t get my shirt off.
Last year, when I reached out and admitted I was struggling and sinking.
Last year, when my father in law died, two clients died, I had to give up a job I love, and question every hair on my head.
Last year, when “being busy” meant learning how to stay alive,

and my phone didn’t ring.

***************
As I lie here, trying to sleep, I think of all the things I would say

if my phone would ring.

 

 

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