How does one deal with a huge contradiction of appearances? What do you do when everything appears calm like the surface of a lake, and your little boat suddenly capsizes? You discover hungry lake monsters and boiling lava instead of the earnest help of a friend. How can a brain rationalize and process such confusion in a relationship? Laughter, bonding, jokes and simple conversations for weeks; then silence, snubbing and a laundry list of faults thrown your way with no explanation. No life jacket, no flares, no obvious signs of rescue and you’re losing the strength to stay afloat. Words of criticism are flung and piled on top of you with no regard to your ability to swim. Already in a state of confusion, there is no hope of sorting through this new information. Sputtering and splashing, you offer up all you can; an apology for whatever slights you have committed. You know that you are not perfect so while you are given no hope for change due to lack of information you grasp the only life line left –sincerity and remorse, all the while praying and pleading to be thrown a life jacket or rope.
When neither comes – what do you do? When your soul is torn for someone you love because you know you have hurt them yet don’t know how or when. Your heart aches for their pain, because what hurts them, hurts you. But what hurt them IS you. As your life flashes before your eyes you see clips of months past. Same lake, same boat, same capsize. Same lake, same boat, same capsize.
The heart is broken, the spirit deflated and the body tired, you slip beneath the surface of the quiet deceptive waters and watch the bubbles of your last breath dance and rise to the surface in a mocking display of the victory you cannot seem to obtain.